2010

It has been the best and most bittersweet year of my life thus far. Sometimes you find yourself in a moment of absolute contentment, where you look at the puzzle of your life and are in awe of how these pieces are falling beautifully together. All of a sudden a gust of wind comes and blows the puzzle with all its valuable pieces all over the floor and as you look down you notice that your once almost completed puzzle is not so close to completion. You start to understand and accept that sometimes some doors close so that others may open. Or is that just the positive way to look at it?

Having spent some of the best times of my life abroad and especially in the UK did I soon realise that my UK visa was expiring and that my flight home was on the horizon. This was a sharp note and reality kicked in and now I needed a plan.  The University letter arrives, accepted, life puzzle fitting nicely, again. Life cannot be better. Returned home, work visa expired, not going for long, empty bag, fly home. Home. Visa rules change, defer my return, Australia to kill time. Thailand, Laos, life is amazing, what can go wrong? Cambodia, reality is harsh. University too expensive, decline the offer, I am lost. Returned home, stoked on life after an amazing travel through Australia, Thailand, Laos and Cambodia but yet, still so confused and lost. That gust of wind has come and blown my puzzle away.

Some things fall apart, so that better things can fall into place.

One day. One week. Two weeks gone. Still in Cambodia. Three weeks gone. Home. Four weeks and I am still waiting on something better to fall into place. Seven weeks gone, still nothing.

Life is falling apart, not motion, and stuck in that rut.

How much do I love it when reality comes around? Its harsh but in its own way can be beautiful. I find myself here at my table wondering, looking over the last few months of my life and soon I start to realise how majestic it has been. I sit down to think. My heart sinks and life is down.  How foolish and ignorant can I be to not notice and over look what has been going on in my life? All this time I have sat waiting, searching for something better to come my way instead of knowing how breath taking my life has been. How can I complain that nothing is happening?

I got to travel more countries, witnessed friends getting married, being there for a friend who had a beautiful daughter, spent many years of lost time with my dad, made new friends and repaired broken friendships, spent time with the family and caught up with lost friends. How can I look over this and say the last few months I have just been killing time for something better to pitch up on my doorstep.

How did I get so selfish and ignorant to not notice these moments? I am not saying that I am not upset about returning to the UK. I think about it often and do wonder how different my life would turn out to be.

What I am trying to say is that I want to be a part of the beauty of what is happening in my life right now, to treasure every moment and to not let such special moment slip through my fingers. To no longer worry about the future and let it worry for itself. If those doors that have been closed so that others may open, let it be. 

Let it be.

But for now I am free falling and soon my puzzle will be beautifully completed.